1. It really sucks when you have a black eye and an allergy attack which makes your eyes itch.
2. I stink at typing with a cold pack held to one eye.
3. There is a line between "summer casual" and "escaped from the ER before they got the restraints on you" and some people are not afraid to cross it and then come to court.
4. Our local hospital chain thinks prohibiting any personal expression in hair color or tattoos is unprofessional, yet dressing medical staff in all black is professional and so is making fun of Walmart shoppers.
5. My new-ish co-worker loves makeup as much or more than I do, but she's not a big fan of horror novels.
6. Hoicking boxes filled with books around the living room two days after a major fall is Not A Good Idea.
7. I am not a complete loser when it comes to nail art.
Showing posts with label Snobservations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Snobservations. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Three mayors in two weeks, seven candidates and other stuff
This post is a little bit link-heavy (four is a lot for me) but they all go to the website of the Akron Beacon Journal, and I've never had problems with their site.
First up, after our 27-year mayor resigned, so did our 7-day mayor. The latter's time in office was 10 days. Then when another City Council president stepped up to be mayor, there was a "discussion" in council (involving him) that led to the cops being called.
We now have seven candidates for mayor, and one of them I know to chat with and one I know of as the boss of my smoke break buddies from the Clerk's Office. Mr. Horrigan has my vote, at lease at the moment.
In non-political Akron stuff, we're getting some new public artwork featuring Devo.
And for all that the courthouse was packed with reporters on Friday afternoon, I guess Judge's Croce's announcement that she wants to learn everything she can before deciding if a man convicted of murder 20 years ago should get a new trial just wasn't exciting enough. I had to search to find the story rather than seeing it on the front page of any websites.
In the last week, I've seen two vanity plates that stuck with me. HAMSTAR is intriguing, because it could refer to shortwave radio, pigs or something else. HMMRH3, especially on a Hummer, just reeks of insecurity. Yes, dude, we know your penis substitute is expensive. ::yawn::
And finally, Akron had thunderstorms hit at exactly four o'clock two days in a row, and both of them were fierce! I got so soaked on Thursday that I stopped at Payless on the way home to get a pair of sandals I needed anyway and put my tennies and socks in the bag and wore the sandals home. Friday had the same ferocity but a little less volume, so I could jump my way across the street without getting my feet drenched. Both days, by the time I hit Cuyahoga Falls, the rain had stopped. Global weirding, ladies and gentlemen!
First up, after our 27-year mayor resigned, so did our 7-day mayor. The latter's time in office was 10 days. Then when another City Council president stepped up to be mayor, there was a "discussion" in council (involving him) that led to the cops being called.
We now have seven candidates for mayor, and one of them I know to chat with and one I know of as the boss of my smoke break buddies from the Clerk's Office. Mr. Horrigan has my vote, at lease at the moment.
In non-political Akron stuff, we're getting some new public artwork featuring Devo.
And for all that the courthouse was packed with reporters on Friday afternoon, I guess Judge's Croce's announcement that she wants to learn everything she can before deciding if a man convicted of murder 20 years ago should get a new trial just wasn't exciting enough. I had to search to find the story rather than seeing it on the front page of any websites.
In the last week, I've seen two vanity plates that stuck with me. HAMSTAR is intriguing, because it could refer to shortwave radio, pigs or something else. HMMRH3, especially on a Hummer, just reeks of insecurity. Yes, dude, we know your penis substitute is expensive. ::yawn::
And finally, Akron had thunderstorms hit at exactly four o'clock two days in a row, and both of them were fierce! I got so soaked on Thursday that I stopped at Payless on the way home to get a pair of sandals I needed anyway and put my tennies and socks in the bag and wore the sandals home. Friday had the same ferocity but a little less volume, so I could jump my way across the street without getting my feet drenched. Both days, by the time I hit Cuyahoga Falls, the rain had stopped. Global weirding, ladies and gentlemen!
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Snobservations from a VERY long week
Before I start snobserving, if you don't follow me on Google Plus, you might not know that my boss was on the front page of the paper on Thursday, or that my workplace will be featured in a documentary.
That leads me to my first snobservation, that it used to be 15 minutes of fame. Now, apparently, at least for buildings, it's only 6 minutes. :-(
It was a very long week, in part because Tuesday was Call Day, in which m colleagues and I are frantically busy but don't actually get a ton of work done, and partly because of the looming departure of one of said co-workers.
To the attorney who was upset with me for sending back an insufficiently documented Inventory, I say, "Mister, you can tell me that house is worth a cow and a sackful of magic beans, but if it's not in writing, I can't docket it."
To all of the attorneys who say that's not how they do it in [insert name of other county here], I say, "That's how we do it here, and that's why you should read the damn local rules before you try to file in a new-to-you county."
To the attorneys who ask about the rules of service and wonder when we started doing that, I say, "It's been almost a year, and you should read the damn local rules before you try to file in a court where you haven't practiced in a year."
To paralegals who call me asking how to do something, I say, "Ask your boss, she's the lawyer!"
And to the snooty-ass OSBA-certified paralegal who types things like, "Your welcome" I say, "My welcome says you need to brush up on your basic grammar."
That leads me to my first snobservation, that it used to be 15 minutes of fame. Now, apparently, at least for buildings, it's only 6 minutes. :-(
It was a very long week, in part because Tuesday was Call Day, in which m colleagues and I are frantically busy but don't actually get a ton of work done, and partly because of the looming departure of one of said co-workers.
To the attorney who was upset with me for sending back an insufficiently documented Inventory, I say, "Mister, you can tell me that house is worth a cow and a sackful of magic beans, but if it's not in writing, I can't docket it."
To all of the attorneys who say that's not how they do it in [insert name of other county here], I say, "That's how we do it here, and that's why you should read the damn local rules before you try to file in a new-to-you county."
To the attorneys who ask about the rules of service and wonder when we started doing that, I say, "It's been almost a year, and you should read the damn local rules before you try to file in a court where you haven't practiced in a year."
To paralegals who call me asking how to do something, I say, "Ask your boss, she's the lawyer!"
And to the snooty-ass OSBA-certified paralegal who types things like, "Your welcome" I say, "My welcome says you need to brush up on your basic grammar."
Monday, September 01, 2014
In which your humble correspondent is appalled and distressed
Dear Mr. Mann,
Whilst I understand both your modern need to be inclusive and your desire to keep your readers guessing, the inestimable Mr. S. Holmes would never so mangle the Queen's English as to use a plural pronoun with singular verbs and to do so for several paragraphs. Frankly, I am shocked at this lapse in an otherwise excellent series. For shame, sir, for shame.
Very Truly Yours,
Jammies
P.S. Torturing the language to make it gender-neutral only makes it very clear to the reader that the villain is, in fact, the female character.
Yours, etc.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Courthouse snobservations
To the attorney who walked out of the court with her lighter in one hand and a cigarette in the other, I hope you weren't trying to preserve a poker face for your client, 'cause that's a big tell.
To my co-worker, just because your minimal makeup routine includes different products than mine does not mean I am less natural or more fake than you. You're just jealous because I don't need mascara. :p
To the lady walking into the courthouse today--throwing a blazer over a mullet-skirted print gauze dress does not make it appropriate court attire.
And to the jerk silverback attorney who decided he'd quiz me about the judge's health, FOAD.
To my co-worker, just because your minimal makeup routine includes different products than mine does not mean I am less natural or more fake than you. You're just jealous because I don't need mascara. :p
To the lady walking into the courthouse today--throwing a blazer over a mullet-skirted print gauze dress does not make it appropriate court attire.
And to the jerk silverback attorney who decided he'd quiz me about the judge's health, FOAD.
Monday, January 07, 2013
Disney Adventure Day 3, December 23, 2012 (Day at sea)
Today's post has the pictures mixed in with the text, and since there are lots of pictures, everything is after the jump.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Black Friday disgusts me
Thirty-plus years ago, my mom and my aunt used to go shopping the morning after Thanksgiving, because that was when the Christmas stuff was first sold and because it was a little time alone for them, with their families sleeping off turkey hangovers. Now, we have people camping out for a week, with generators, to buy things that will wind up in a landfill; retailers making their staff work on Thanksgiving night, and herds of people who need nothing and want everything trampling each other for the latest plastic crap.
My mother taught consumer education for thirty years, so I grew up with Maslow's Heirarchy. I may spend like a drunken monkey sometimes, but at least I always know that I'm buying stuff I want rather than stuff I need. I don't have a problem with people out there buying Christmas presents that would otherwise be smaller or non-existent, and I don't have a problem with people out there buying clothing or home goods that they need.
But people like the jackass with the generator? They're disgusting and they tarnish what Thanksgiving is supposed to mean.
My mother taught consumer education for thirty years, so I grew up with Maslow's Heirarchy. I may spend like a drunken monkey sometimes, but at least I always know that I'm buying stuff I want rather than stuff I need. I don't have a problem with people out there buying Christmas presents that would otherwise be smaller or non-existent, and I don't have a problem with people out there buying clothing or home goods that they need.
But people like the jackass with the generator? They're disgusting and they tarnish what Thanksgiving is supposed to mean.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Dear...
Grump ringing up my purchases at World Market,
If you don't like people, get a different job.
Opposing counsel,
We're in compliance, you're not. Straighten up!
Collection agency person,
No, I'm not going to prove to you that my boss is someone's guardian so you can serve the ward. Call the nursing home and see if you can get past the staff.
Mail order pharmacy,
You have the checking account information, STOP telling the nursing home staff they can't re-order without a credit card. Assholes.
Dog,
Get your stanky butt off my brand-new pillows.
Other dog,
No people food for puppies in this house. Get used to it.
Love,
MondayJammies
If you don't like people, get a different job.
Opposing counsel,
We're in compliance, you're not. Straighten up!
Collection agency person,
No, I'm not going to prove to you that my boss is someone's guardian so you can serve the ward. Call the nursing home and see if you can get past the staff.
Mail order pharmacy,
You have the checking account information, STOP telling the nursing home staff they can't re-order without a credit card. Assholes.
Dog,
Get your stanky butt off my brand-new pillows.
Other dog,
No people food for puppies in this house. Get used to it.
Love,
MondayJammies
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
New rule for Election Day
All polling place employees should be required to put their teeth in while at work.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
This was supposed to be a week in review post
but it's been miserably hot here, our air-conditioning at work is broken, and I am just a tired, miserable slug. If you're still reading this blog, thank you, and one day I hope to return.
In the same vein, by the time I come home from work, I could boil things in my bra!
Snobservation:
One day last week I drove home behind an ice cream truck with two sagging tires on the right, which caused the whole vehicle to list, and a thin stream of blue smoke trickling out of the exhaust pipe on the left. First time I've ever seen a vehicle that had had a stroke!
In the same vein, by the time I come home from work, I could boil things in my bra!
Snobservation:
One day last week I drove home behind an ice cream truck with two sagging tires on the right, which caused the whole vehicle to list, and a thin stream of blue smoke trickling out of the exhaust pipe on the left. First time I've ever seen a vehicle that had had a stroke!
Monday, August 02, 2010
Dear White Trash Neighbor,
My condolences for your impotence and the fact that your insurance won't cover Viagra. However, when you choose to buy fireworks to compensate, I would appreciate your keeping in mind that the Fourth of July was a freaking month ago, and I do not appreciate feeling as if I were living in downtown Beirut.
Sincerely,
Jammies and the dogs on the verge of a nervous breakdown
Sincerely,
Jammies and the dogs on the verge of a nervous breakdown
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Uncool at the pool
Because I feel as if I've maxed out on the water-walking, Mom suggested I start water aerobics with her. However, the times I have tried it, the class is too fast-paced and complicated for me to keep up. After a bit of thinking, I decided I needed to add wrist and ankle weights. I ordered them from Swim Outlet, and they arrived on Thursday.
Saturday morning, I decided to skip the class and instead do a 40 minute workout on my own when there was less of an audience* in case I made a fool of myself. I only used the ankle weights, figuring that when I get used to those, I will add the wrist weights. They were certainly effective--my speed slowed down to where it was when I started taking the class fifteen months ago, and I could still feel the strain in my leg muscles when I went to bed last night.
While I was at the pool, a woman came in wearing a shower cap rather than a swimming cap, and then proceeded to wave her arms about in very weird gestures the whole time she was walking. Uncool, but very amusing.
As I was leaving, a man on a motorcycle, with a boy behind him pulled up to the curb. The boy got off, the man watched him walk in the door and then left. I'd have given the guy lots of points for being a cool dad, except neither of them was wearing a helmet. Risking your own life is one thing, risking your kid's life is unconscionable. Uncool dad!
Saturday morning, I decided to skip the class and instead do a 40 minute workout on my own when there was less of an audience* in case I made a fool of myself. I only used the ankle weights, figuring that when I get used to those, I will add the wrist weights. They were certainly effective--my speed slowed down to where it was when I started taking the class fifteen months ago, and I could still feel the strain in my leg muscles when I went to bed last night.
While I was at the pool, a woman came in wearing a shower cap rather than a swimming cap, and then proceeded to wave her arms about in very weird gestures the whole time she was walking. Uncool, but very amusing.
As I was leaving, a man on a motorcycle, with a boy behind him pulled up to the curb. The boy got off, the man watched him walk in the door and then left. I'd have given the guy lots of points for being a cool dad, except neither of them was wearing a helmet. Risking your own life is one thing, risking your kid's life is unconscionable. Uncool dad!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The miracles of modern medicine
To the overaged Barbie dolls at water-walking yesterday:
I'm so impressed that not only do your faces show only subtle signs of plastic surgery, but that you managed to be separated after your conjoined birth. However, now that you have been separated, it is not necessary to always stay together, even when you are in a group exercise class and blocking the progress of people who are there to work out rather than chat.
I'm so impressed that not only do your faces show only subtle signs of plastic surgery, but that you managed to be separated after your conjoined birth. However, now that you have been separated, it is not necessary to always stay together, even when you are in a group exercise class and blocking the progress of people who are there to work out rather than chat.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Esther Williams, you ain't
To the squat blonde chick in the water-walking class:
Wallowing around like a bull moose on crack and shoving past people does not give you a better workout, it just makes people hate you.
P.S. You have too much back fat for that swimsuit.
To ginger-haired flirty guy:
This is the second time you've followed someone you've chatted with in class to the hot tub, only to not get in it after you rinsed off. Quit being a chicken and follow through! (Oh, and yes, I get it that when the pickings are slim you start chatting me up. You have no idea how non-devastating that is.)
To the otherwise good instructor:
Stop repeating the same exact words at the beginning of the class. You are really starting to irritate me.
To the lady who grabbed my travel cup full of water:
I get that you thought I would collide with you like a bull moose on crack, but trust me, I could see you clinging to the side of the pool and I would have waited for you to pass. As it is, you made me thank you for handing me my cup, instead of screaming "DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF!" which was what I really wanted to do.
To the guy in the swim lanes next to the current pool:
Dude, we can all see you, and we can see that while we're busting our asses jogging and jumping and going forwards and backwards, you are freaking posing each time you do one half of a lap, leaning your arms on the side of the pool as if you've just done a huge amount of work. You haven't. Stop that.
To the cute guy in the kiddie pool with his baby daughter:
Stop being so cute and such a good dad, and especially stop towing your daughter over to watch us and wave at us and make adorable baby noises at us. I'm not sure if you're married or not, but I'm very sure I'm too old to be thinking about whether or not you're married and to be lusting. Stop making me feel like a dirty old woman.
kthxbai
Wallowing around like a bull moose on crack and shoving past people does not give you a better workout, it just makes people hate you.
P.S. You have too much back fat for that swimsuit.
To ginger-haired flirty guy:
This is the second time you've followed someone you've chatted with in class to the hot tub, only to not get in it after you rinsed off. Quit being a chicken and follow through! (Oh, and yes, I get it that when the pickings are slim you start chatting me up. You have no idea how non-devastating that is.)
To the otherwise good instructor:
Stop repeating the same exact words at the beginning of the class. You are really starting to irritate me.
To the lady who grabbed my travel cup full of water:
I get that you thought I would collide with you like a bull moose on crack, but trust me, I could see you clinging to the side of the pool and I would have waited for you to pass. As it is, you made me thank you for handing me my cup, instead of screaming "DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF!" which was what I really wanted to do.
To the guy in the swim lanes next to the current pool:
Dude, we can all see you, and we can see that while we're busting our asses jogging and jumping and going forwards and backwards, you are freaking posing each time you do one half of a lap, leaning your arms on the side of the pool as if you've just done a huge amount of work. You haven't. Stop that.
To the cute guy in the kiddie pool with his baby daughter:
Stop being so cute and such a good dad, and especially stop towing your daughter over to watch us and wave at us and make adorable baby noises at us. I'm not sure if you're married or not, but I'm very sure I'm too old to be thinking about whether or not you're married and to be lusting. Stop making me feel like a dirty old woman.
kthxbai
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Fish oil is the new snake oil
So far this month, I have heard radio ads claiming that fish oil will:
Repair your joints,
Help you lose weight,
Lower your cholesterol,
Improve your memory and brainpower.
Doesn't keep you from being socially unacceptable, though, especially with fishy burps!
Repair your joints,
Help you lose weight,
Lower your cholesterol,
Improve your memory and brainpower.
Doesn't keep you from being socially unacceptable, though, especially with fishy burps!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Aquatic Snobservations
Before the snobservations, one big cheer for the older man in my class who's there every single Saturday, doing the exercise the best he can manage before he has his second open-heart surgery. Yay Bill!
To all of the older ladies: if you've got fat on your back, don't wear a low-backed swimsuit. I'm not slamming anyone for being overweight, and I know that most of us have batwing arms, but I don't want to watch your backbacon jiggle when you're walking in front of me.
To some of the younger ladies: there is a difference between body art and white trash tattoos. Body art is exactly that, art. It's executed with skill and clarity. You should have saved up and gone for one good piece instead of getting ten or twelve blurry things that look like '90s clip art.
To the yakkers: it's nice that you're there with a friend. I enjoy Monday and Wednesday night classes just a little bit more because my mom is there with me. You will notice, however, that we do not walk slowly next to each other, so absorbed in chatting that we can't make room for faster people to walk around us. You make me want to channel my inner Jack Butler and yell "Pickups to the south, drop-offs to the North!"
To the lady who spent Wednesday's night's class humming: JUST STOP IT! That was so incredibly irritating I can't even think of something scathing to say. Save it for the shower!
To the skinny fake-blonde with the fake tan: I'm a petty, petty person, and I loved that you got turned away from the class when you showed up ten minutes late and were told you can't join the class when everyone already has their heart rate up. Oh, and I if I were you, I wouldn't wear a hot pink bikini, or any bikini for that matter, until I lost that little potbelly. I notice you haven't bothered to try to join us again, so good luck.
And to my beloved mother: I am doing this class three times a week, and I'm proud of myself. It's the first exercise program I have ever stuck with. I go even when you can't, and in two months, the only class I've missed was the night Stormdog died. Please do not nag me any more about lifting the weights you gave me for Christmas (and let's don't get started on my feelings about that) or adding in more and tougher classes at the Nat. I swear, the next time you say something, I'm going to splash water all over that what-color-is-your-hair-anyway 'do and yell something reminiscent of my horrible adolescence. I love you, but don't push. Please.
And in the non-snobby vein, I love this class, and I love that everyone gets out there and works his or her hardest to do what the instructors ask of us. Whether we're a big galloping herd of a class or a small but mighty one, I've never seen anyone who isn't trying. Yay us!
To all of the older ladies: if you've got fat on your back, don't wear a low-backed swimsuit. I'm not slamming anyone for being overweight, and I know that most of us have batwing arms, but I don't want to watch your backbacon jiggle when you're walking in front of me.
To some of the younger ladies: there is a difference between body art and white trash tattoos. Body art is exactly that, art. It's executed with skill and clarity. You should have saved up and gone for one good piece instead of getting ten or twelve blurry things that look like '90s clip art.
To the yakkers: it's nice that you're there with a friend. I enjoy Monday and Wednesday night classes just a little bit more because my mom is there with me. You will notice, however, that we do not walk slowly next to each other, so absorbed in chatting that we can't make room for faster people to walk around us. You make me want to channel my inner Jack Butler and yell "Pickups to the south, drop-offs to the North!"
To the lady who spent Wednesday's night's class humming: JUST STOP IT! That was so incredibly irritating I can't even think of something scathing to say. Save it for the shower!
To the skinny fake-blonde with the fake tan: I'm a petty, petty person, and I loved that you got turned away from the class when you showed up ten minutes late and were told you can't join the class when everyone already has their heart rate up. Oh, and I if I were you, I wouldn't wear a hot pink bikini, or any bikini for that matter, until I lost that little potbelly. I notice you haven't bothered to try to join us again, so good luck.
And to my beloved mother: I am doing this class three times a week, and I'm proud of myself. It's the first exercise program I have ever stuck with. I go even when you can't, and in two months, the only class I've missed was the night Stormdog died. Please do not nag me any more about lifting the weights you gave me for Christmas (and let's don't get started on my feelings about that) or adding in more and tougher classes at the Nat. I swear, the next time you say something, I'm going to splash water all over that what-color-is-your-hair-anyway 'do and yell something reminiscent of my horrible adolescence. I love you, but don't push. Please.
And in the non-snobby vein, I love this class, and I love that everyone gets out there and works his or her hardest to do what the instructors ask of us. Whether we're a big galloping herd of a class or a small but mighty one, I've never seen anyone who isn't trying. Yay us!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
*Been around the world
and I, I can't find my froggie. :(
The cute little croaking froggie keychain Sherri disappeared from my keys some time between Thursday morning and Friday night, and has not been seen since. It's a cold, cruel world out there, and he will not be a happy froggie. Plus, I am not a happy Jammies without my froggie!
Mom and I did have fun Friday night at a local production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." The daughter of a friend of hers played Hermia, and it was a really good production. The young woman playing Helena really made me think of the version of AMND that appeared in the Pibgorn strip, especially with her facial expressions. My only two snobservations were that A. The guy playing Lysander was about the last person I'd pick for any kind of love interest, and the guy playing Oberon was too pale, dark-haired and potbellied to be appearing onstage shirtless. Pleh!
Stitches come out first thing tomorrow morning, and if I didn't have a book to build, I'd be very tempted to take the day off and wallow in the bath tub. But I do, so I shall have to postpone my first celebratory bath until Monday night. If you need to talk to me, do it today or do it Tuesday. ;)
*sincere apologies to Lisa Stansfield!
The cute little croaking froggie keychain Sherri disappeared from my keys some time between Thursday morning and Friday night, and has not been seen since. It's a cold, cruel world out there, and he will not be a happy froggie. Plus, I am not a happy Jammies without my froggie!
Mom and I did have fun Friday night at a local production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." The daughter of a friend of hers played Hermia, and it was a really good production. The young woman playing Helena really made me think of the version of AMND that appeared in the Pibgorn strip, especially with her facial expressions. My only two snobservations were that A. The guy playing Lysander was about the last person I'd pick for any kind of love interest, and the guy playing Oberon was too pale, dark-haired and potbellied to be appearing onstage shirtless. Pleh!
Stitches come out first thing tomorrow morning, and if I didn't have a book to build, I'd be very tempted to take the day off and wallow in the bath tub. But I do, so I shall have to postpone my first celebratory bath until Monday night. If you need to talk to me, do it today or do it Tuesday. ;)
*sincere apologies to Lisa Stansfield!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
It's what I didn't say...
(song title from Saving Jane)
aka Medical Snobservations
When the dermatologist had me sign a waiver saying I knew there would be a scar and I wouldn't sue because of it, I thought but didn't say, "Well, there goes the Playboy shoot."
When he said, "No heavy bending, stretching, or lifting," I thought but didn't say, "Damn, and the new pole was just installed!"
I mentioned last November that I'd seen kind of an odd license plate. Today, I saw one that said IN2BATE. The owners thereof just have to be related.
Monday was 5 hours of neuropsych testing with a one-hour "break" for lunch, during which time I did the 344 question MMPI questionaire. Apparently, there isn't a website anywhere which will tell you what "Raymond Kertecz" and "archery and stamp collecting" mean. Irritating. They probably still won't tell me when I get my results on March 5th.
One small victory for English majors, though. One of the questions on the verbal general knowledge quiz was "Who wrote Faust?"
My answer?
"Well, it started out as a German folktale, then Christopher Marlowe wrote a play, Goethe wrote a novel (I was wrong about that, he wrote a play as well) and someone did an opera.
Perhaps I can't remember to send an e-mail to Codes when I need to, but I can bygolly remember all kinds of useless stuff!
aka Medical Snobservations
When the dermatologist had me sign a waiver saying I knew there would be a scar and I wouldn't sue because of it, I thought but didn't say, "Well, there goes the Playboy shoot."
When he said, "No heavy bending, stretching, or lifting," I thought but didn't say, "Damn, and the new pole was just installed!"
I mentioned last November that I'd seen kind of an odd license plate. Today, I saw one that said IN2BATE. The owners thereof just have to be related.
Monday was 5 hours of neuropsych testing with a one-hour "break" for lunch, during which time I did the 344 question MMPI questionaire. Apparently, there isn't a website anywhere which will tell you what "Raymond Kertecz" and "archery and stamp collecting" mean. Irritating. They probably still won't tell me when I get my results on March 5th.
One small victory for English majors, though. One of the questions on the verbal general knowledge quiz was "Who wrote Faust?"
My answer?
"Well, it started out as a German folktale, then Christopher Marlowe wrote a play, Goethe wrote a novel (I was wrong about that, he wrote a play as well) and someone did an opera.
Perhaps I can't remember to send an e-mail to Codes when I need to, but I can bygolly remember all kinds of useless stuff!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Lyrical snobservations
Dear Brian McKnight,
In regard to:
Those are not steps, you idiot. Those are statements. Go take remedial English.
Dear Everything but the Girl and Norah Jones,
In regard to:
and
respectively.
You both fail geology, zoology and biology 101. Deserts do not "miss" or "wait for" rain. In the first place, deserts don't perform any actions, because they are places, not people. Secondly, deserts are full of plants and animals which are perfectly adapted to life with very little water. Rain or any other form of water is utilized, but life goes on without it and without the anticipation of it.
All of you need to go back to high school or hire better songwriters, damnit.
In regard to:
One
You're like a dream come true
Two
Just wanna be with you
Three
Girl it's plain to see
That you're the only one for me
Four
Repeat steps one through three
Five
Make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done
Then I start back at one
Those are not steps, you idiot. Those are statements. Go take remedial English.
Dear Everything but the Girl and Norah Jones,
In regard to:
And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain
and
Like the desert waiting for the rain
Like a school kid waiting for the spring
Im just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on
respectively.
You both fail geology, zoology and biology 101. Deserts do not "miss" or "wait for" rain. In the first place, deserts don't perform any actions, because they are places, not people. Secondly, deserts are full of plants and animals which are perfectly adapted to life with very little water. Rain or any other form of water is utilized, but life goes on without it and without the anticipation of it.
All of you need to go back to high school or hire better songwriters, damnit.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Seasonal Snobservations
To the lady walking out of the theater before us last night: First of all, the white belt with three rows of grommets was ugly in the '80s and it's uglier now, when we know better. Your pleather jacket with the fake fur trim was as much too short as your white jeans were too tight, and my nephews didn't really need to see your muffin top and your tramp stamp. For future reference, the ballet is The Nutcracker, not The Slutcracker. Next time, bring the class you must have left at home.
To the three houses in a row on Ghent Road on my way home: Okay, this is Northeast Ohio. I totally get why you took advantage of a warmish day in November to put up your Christmas lights. You didn't need to turn them on the day after Halloween. Do you do this just to be irritating, or do you believe Santa is going to be fooled into visiting you early?
To all the nouveau riche who've moved into my old hometown: I checked, and there's no ordinance saying that all outdoor lights have to be white. I'm sure all of you think it's all restrained and elegant, but I have to tell you, that shit is boring.
To Walmart: We know you're the actual Outpost of Hell on Earth, doing Satan's bidding. You don't need to rub our noses in it with that horrible commercial with the toddler who spends all his days asking for STUFF and his deluded mother who's going to get it all for him thanks to Walmart. We need to add a new deadly sin just for Walmart executives.
To my neighbors with the huge amount of yard lights and the inflatable Santa, penguin and nativity: Everyone appreciates that you turn off the lights when you go to bed. And we understand that the inflatables need power for the fans, so they deflate until you turn the lights back on after dark. But could you please put the nativity on a separate circuit and just leave that one up? 'Cos really, not only is it creepy when Baby Jesus deflates, I think it might be blasphemous, too.
To the three houses in a row on Ghent Road on my way home: Okay, this is Northeast Ohio. I totally get why you took advantage of a warmish day in November to put up your Christmas lights. You didn't need to turn them on the day after Halloween. Do you do this just to be irritating, or do you believe Santa is going to be fooled into visiting you early?
To all the nouveau riche who've moved into my old hometown: I checked, and there's no ordinance saying that all outdoor lights have to be white. I'm sure all of you think it's all restrained and elegant, but I have to tell you, that shit is boring.
To Walmart: We know you're the actual Outpost of Hell on Earth, doing Satan's bidding. You don't need to rub our noses in it with that horrible commercial with the toddler who spends all his days asking for STUFF and his deluded mother who's going to get it all for him thanks to Walmart. We need to add a new deadly sin just for Walmart executives.
To my neighbors with the huge amount of yard lights and the inflatable Santa, penguin and nativity: Everyone appreciates that you turn off the lights when you go to bed. And we understand that the inflatables need power for the fans, so they deflate until you turn the lights back on after dark. But could you please put the nativity on a separate circuit and just leave that one up? 'Cos really, not only is it creepy when Baby Jesus deflates, I think it might be blasphemous, too.
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