Seasonal Snobservations

To the lady walking out of the theater before us last night: First of all, the white belt with three rows of grommets was ugly in the '80s and it's uglier now, when we know better. Your pleather jacket with the fake fur trim was as much too short as your white jeans were too tight, and my nephews didn't really need to see your muffin top and your tramp stamp. For future reference, the ballet is The Nutcracker, not The Slutcracker. Next time, bring the class you must have left at home.

To the three houses in a row on Ghent Road on my way home: Okay, this is Northeast Ohio. I totally get why you took advantage of a warmish day in November to put up your Christmas lights. You didn't need to turn them on the day after Halloween. Do you do this just to be irritating, or do you believe Santa is going to be fooled into visiting you early?

To all the nouveau riche who've moved into my old hometown: I checked, and there's no ordinance saying that all outdoor lights have to be white. I'm sure all of you think it's all restrained and elegant, but I have to tell you, that shit is boring.

To Walmart: We know you're the actual Outpost of Hell on Earth, doing Satan's bidding. You don't need to rub our noses in it with that horrible commercial with the toddler who spends all his days asking for STUFF and his deluded mother who's going to get it all for him thanks to Walmart. We need to add a new deadly sin just for Walmart executives.

To my neighbors with the huge amount of yard lights and the inflatable Santa, penguin and nativity: Everyone appreciates that you turn off the lights when you go to bed. And we understand that the inflatables need power for the fans, so they deflate until you turn the lights back on after dark. But could you please put the nativity on a separate circuit and just leave that one up? 'Cos really, not only is it creepy when Baby Jesus deflates, I think it might be blasphemous, too.