Esther Williams, you ain't

To the squat blonde chick in the water-walking class:

Wallowing around like a bull moose on crack and shoving past people does not give you a better workout, it just makes people hate you.

P.S. You have too much back fat for that swimsuit.

To ginger-haired flirty guy:

This is the second time you've followed someone you've chatted with in class to the hot tub, only to not get in it after you rinsed off. Quit being a chicken and follow through! (Oh, and yes, I get it that when the pickings are slim you start chatting me up. You have no idea how non-devastating that is.)

To the otherwise good instructor:

Stop repeating the same exact words at the beginning of the class. You are really starting to irritate me.

To the lady who grabbed my travel cup full of water:

I get that you thought I would collide with you like a bull moose on crack, but trust me, I could see you clinging to the side of the pool and I would have waited for you to pass. As it is, you made me thank you for handing me my cup, instead of screaming "DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF!" which was what I really wanted to do.

To the guy in the swim lanes next to the current pool:

Dude, we can all see you, and we can see that while we're busting our asses jogging and jumping and going forwards and backwards, you are freaking posing each time you do one half of a lap, leaning your arms on the side of the pool as if you've just done a huge amount of work. You haven't. Stop that.

To the cute guy in the kiddie pool with his baby daughter:

Stop being so cute and such a good dad, and especially stop towing your daughter over to watch us and wave at us and make adorable baby noises at us. I'm not sure if you're married or not, but I'm very sure I'm too old to be thinking about whether or not you're married and to be lusting. Stop making me feel like a dirty old woman.

kthxbai