Downs and ups

Wednesday was Call Day, which is the one day of the month when I play bailiff, and although I've gotten much better at it in the last year, it's still a little stressful.  Then I had a co-worker have a hissy fit at me (I think as a stand-in for the rest of the world) and give me work that she didn't feel she could do impartially.  So I fell off the non-smoking wagon. :-(

Thursday was an appointment with my regular doc to see if she'd be willing to take over prescribing my Lexapro.  My neurologist was responsible for it, but it costs $500 to see him, and even if I only pay $60 of it, add in driving time, cost of gas, cost of parking and it adds up quickly.  In addition, the county is self-insured and I'd like not to be the straw that broke the county's back.  Dr. J was willing to prescribe Lexapro for me, but when I asked about an increase, she said I'm at the maximum safe dosage.  So she put me on 5 milligrams of Wellbutrin, and asked me to come back in 6 weeks.

I went in to work, did the Orders from Call Day, which the judge has to sign, and came home and slept.  I'm not proud of that bout of self-pity, but it happened and now it's over and I'm moving on.  Moving on was helped immeasurably by a phone call from my friend Doc, who has been my friend since second grade--she's getting married, and she graciously acceded to my demand to be the clerk who signs her marriage license.

Three of us had drinks after work Friday night and had fun.  I'm still looking forward to Universal with Captain Crossword and the Princesses, and meeting Jen and John from Cakewrecks, and yes, my friend Donna backed up the wagon so I can climb back on.  So life is far from awful, and I have many, many, lots of things to which I look forward.

I am mercifully NOT currently perched on Rex's Erection with a water gun in my hand

Mercifully because after three days of "Do this.  No, we don't like this.  Do that.  Ha!  Fooled you--do that, but someplace else" from the miserable troglodytes at Express Scripts, I finally have my Lexapro refill.

Ever since Tuesday, when my nurse practitioner called in a new script to my local grocery store pharmacy, Express Shits has turned down the script twice, not told me until I called them, and then given me directions that turned out also not to work.  Everyone I had face-to-face interactions with was so very nice that I couldn't vent my rage, which just made it harder to cope.

Finally, after a second pharmacy was called and was willing to call the first pharmacy to transfer the prescription (since it had been e-mailed in, not faxed or written on paper) and I'd spent most of my breaks and lunches on hold, I got my Lexapro.  Of course, I had to wait for nearly 45 minutes at the second pharmacy because Express Shits kept asking for more info that they didn't have, but I got it.  I no longer feel like a donkey on the edge, and I am no longer tempted to climb a tower with a Super-Soaker in my hand.

Oh, and stop that, you dirty-minded people, I'm talking about a local landmark. :P

Oh, duh...

Yesterday I lost the whole day to an allergy attack with sinus headache--the only thing I managed to do besides sleep and sneeze and whine was to vacuum the breezeway.  When I was falling asleep, I remembered the days when I enjoyed, not housework, no, but the feeling of accomplishment that comes when the housework is done.

Despite my general reluctance to give any of my money to large, sprawling charitable organizations, one of my colleagues is currently battling breast cancer, and when Mom said she was interested in charity walks, I signed us up for this one.  While we were en route to the walk, I talked to Mom about how yesterday reminded me of how, back when I was depressed and un-medicated, the simplest things caused me to give up and turn into a slug.  I told her that I think it might be time to bump my Lexapro dosage, and so I'll be sending an e-mail request to my neuro tomorrow.

The walk was nice--2.8 miles around the University of Akron campus, which has changed a ton since I was there.  It was quite chilly, but the sun was shining, and thankfully someone took our picture before the walk started, because I was a sweaty wind-haired mess by the end. :P

An ordinary but still rather revelatory Sunday in the life of me.

*le sigh*

So after Mouse scared me to death with his pacing and panting and we did the flying panic run to the vet hospital, the Tramadol has worked freaking miracles and while his foot is still paralyzed and/or numb, he's back to bouncing when I get home, and mostly eating okay.  I wish Tramadol were this much help for the e-bro of my e-sis!

I had an appointment today for an oil change, and although I have an appointment elsewhere on Saturday for a muffler estimate, I told the mechanic that yes, he could give me a quote on the muffler.  He poked, prodded, hemmed and hawed and finally told me I needed a complete new exhaust system AND all new front brakes, and it would be around $1300.

Rationally, I know that if I go to a brake place and to the muffler place, it will probably cost less than that, I'm thinking it won't be much less than that, and considering I've got about $250 in savings right now, I'm feeling particularly depressed about money tonight.  Do I want to pour $1300 I'd have to borrow into a 16 year old car, or borrow a whole lot more to buy a new one?

*le sigh*

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Jammies...

I got my Lexapro Thursday night, and had Friday off from work. I had planned to do a little window-shopping, finding the Ulta and Sally Beauty Supply stores in Fairlawn, and follow that up with a workout at the pool. Since the instructor who does the Friday water classes is the one I think is useless, I decided to shop first, then work out on my own after the class was over.

After a fruitless ton of searching, I found the plaza where the Ulta and Sally were hidden, and managed to get away with only renewing my Sally's card and picking up a small bottle of Orly Cutique at Ulta. Since I was planning to leave my car at the Natatorium for nearly an hour while working out, I talked myself out of going to World Market and buying a ton of chocolate. I did stop at Hobby Lobby on the way home, and that's where my plans hit a snag. I had strolled around and looked at everything, picked up just a few items, and was on my way out when I suddenly realized I needed to find a bathroom. After five miserable minutes hoping no one would come in, I was finished and headed for the car.

Working out while my intestines were distressed did not seem like a very good idea, so I came home, drank a bunch of water and took a long nap. I had more water, and later ate a very cautious dinner. I felt fine yesterday morning, so I worked out for half an hour, then came home and mooched around all day. Today I am planning to clean and do laundry so that tomorrow I can go see my folks for lunch and then make some pesto before I lose another bunch of basil. I was going to go work out this morning, but I overslept and now I can't take the time, so I'll have to do that before I go to Hudson tomorrow.

Happy early 4th/belated Canada Day, everyone!

This is me:

First of all, I've been out of Lexapro since last Thursday and am continually on the verge of tears.

Second, we have three guardianships exploding with crazy family members right now.

Third, I'm planning to take Friday off, so there's a lot of frantic cramming going on at work.

Fourth, I do not want to be around people or have anything to do with any other human beings, so I have skipped working out since Saturday because the pool is a very chatty place.

Fifth and finally, Mom actually apologized for me today when I was angry with good reason with the staff at a nursing home.

I'll be in a ball with my spines out for the foreseeable future.

I can haz Friday?

Mom and I have been working for weeks on an accounting that just won't balance. Today we decided that my short day tomorrow will be a long day so we can go over all of the numbers from start to finish, and the whole thing makes me feel like a failure. In my head I know it's not my fault it doesn't balance, but that doesn't change my feelings about the whole thing. I just want to hide under the bed whenever I think about it. :(

Cheering myself up

Sherri once said of me, "Jammies gives good box" and I do try to make gifts special. Sherri and Jay and I had a great time talking on the phone while Jay opened his belated birthday box last month.



Even with the very tightened state of my finances, I am enjoying picking up Christmas gifts for friends and family, and making some of them. I'm also putting together two Halloween boxes for friends, and I love having an excuse to shop for all sorts of fun and different goodies!



I have to admit that there's more than a bit of selfishness in my gift-giving. I love how it makes me feel when a loved one opens a box from me and is delighted with the contents. I recently had a chance to turn sadness into happiness with a gift. The day I had Littlefoot euthanized, I happened to be wearing a purple holographic nail polish (Wild at Heart from Color Club), and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to wear it again without feeling sad. Fortunately, my friend clowder is another purple nail polish lover, so I got a bottle for her. Her delight in the polish means that now I can wear it again and think of her happiness.



When Kogi lost her dog, I knew I wanted to do something very special for her. I asked what color he was, and she sent me an adorable picture:







Since I couldn't find a yarn that was creamy white, I combined a short plushy white yarn with a longer eyelash yarn in ivory, and made a wrap for Kogi to cuddle in:



She loved it, and her joy at receiving this fuzzy hug made me feel better that I couldn't be there in person to hug her.


I count myself lucky that I have friends who let me shop for them and send them presents!

Blue Jammies

Everyone knows that job-hunting sucks. I won't belabor that point.



But on a morning when the BigBoss at the office which kicked you and 149 other people to the curb sends EVERYONE an e-mail lauding one kickee for having a job specially created for her at a major medical center, wherein she will be meeting the president and many other VIPs, it just sucks to get a "Thanks but no thanks" e-mail less than 24 hours after you applied for a job.



I hate everything right now.

Doppleganger

So far, I've welcomed three new people to the water-walking class the last two times I've gone. The interesting one last night was a fat chick with glasses and dark curly hair who has the same first name as me. It's pretty cool to think that I've been doing this for over a year now, and even if I haven't lost weight, my clothes fit better and I haven't gained any weight!

Of course, sometimes I don't manage to make myself go, like tonight. I suspect there may be a bit of situational depression attacking me, what with the layoff and the lack of success in job-hunting, and while I am very happy for The Mad Tatter, I'm also a little bummed that she has a job and I don't. I'm having a hard time getting through my days at work, to say nothing of cleaning or gardening or water-walking after work. This is the kind of thing where I wish I could just slap myself out of it, because there are a lot of people a lot worse off than I am.

*sigh*

I can't even work up a good mad about this, I just keep starting to cry.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I have been calling the outsourced HR services of my late, unlamented former employer since my last day of work, trying to find out about my COBRA benefits. They kept telling me I couldn't sign up until the first day after my severance ran out, April 1.

So on April 1, I call to sign up, am told that the paperwork will be sent to me, and that the coverage will be retroactive to 4/1.

The paperwork and bill are actually sent on 4/11, and I am billed for approximately 3.5 times the figure I was quoted per month, AND I was billed for two months, April and May.

When I called to ask about this, I was told that the $179/month (not the %57 I was quoted) was correct, and that even were I to give them a credit card number (which I don't have) right this minute, my coverage would not be effective until after outsourced HR received the payment and forwarded it on to the insurance company, who then would add me back to the policy.

So for the crown I may need, I can go ahead and pay the approximately $500 up front and then request reimbursement from the insurance company.

Yes, because we all know how easy that is.

Basically, I have to give Aetna almost $200 of my money for a month in which they are going to do absolutely nothing for me.

Newsflash: Skindecent saves woman's sanity

Today sucked. I'm out of my antidepressant and for some reason, my Hyphenated Corp. health insurance is suddenly invalid, today was my first day back at Mom's office and I had to do payroll taxes, and the icing on the cake is when I got home and discovered that one of the dogs chewed up at least one of my rubber duckies.

If it hadn't been for my pre-layoff Skindecent order on my front porch, I probably would have totally lost it. As it is, I'm opening it as I listen to the stupid hold music for A(ssholes)E(at your)T(ime and give you)N(othing in return but want)A(ll your money) insurance's so-called "Customer Care" line.

I'm on the verge of tears, as I have been since I left the pharmacy without my Lexapro, but right now, they are more tears of gratitude for the kindness of Marliss, the genius behind Skindecent. Not only did she send samples of the Lush dupes for Sultana and The Olive Branch, she sent me an entire Girlfriend's Stress Relief Kit. Marliss has always provided amazing products and customer service, but this kind of thoughtful detail is truly amazing.

And now, since the insurance person wants the pharmacist to call and the pharmacist is being snarky about not wanting to call, I'm going to go huff bath products and hope that tomorrow is a VAST improvement over today.

For a friend

The person for whom this is intended will know it, and I want you also to know that while I can't do much from this distance, I am here to support you whatever way I can. Please read the last sentence and let me know how I can help you fight the depression.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Today seemed to be a pretty typical Monday...Mom's out of town for the week, so I had planned to catch up on the filing stack, which was about 2 feet tall, then get some of my other work done, plus get started on all these annual accountings we have due when she comes back. The Monday part came in when of course I didn't get any of that done owing to a client crisis, and having to prep a Motion for a change of custody and get it ready, along with assorted other court paperwork, have Susan sign Mom's name to all 4 forms and the check and give it to the law clerk in less than an hour...I managed to get it done, only to have Brad come back and say it was all held up because we have a visiting judge on this 10 year old case, so it should be ready for pickup and mailing to our client and opposing counsel tomorrow.

Despite phone calls from four clients who had total mini-meltdowns at the thought that their attorney was out of town for a week (how dare she!) and trying to explain to them that not only can I not give legal advice, if I do so, my boss can lose her ability to practice law, hellooooooooo, I managed to get a pretty good jump on the filing this afternoon, so when I came home, I felt like I'd earned a nap. I got out of my work clothes, grabbed something to eat, and had probably been asleep for about half an hour when the phone rang.

"Pam?"

"Dan?"

"No, Mark."

Oops...guessed the wrong little brother...my only excuse is that I was still half asleep. He figured this out and offered to let me go back to sleep, but I never talk enough with my brothers so I said nah, and tried to shake the cobwebs out of my head. I heard him sending his kids into the other room as we chatted, then he asked if Mom and Dad were going to be taking any overnight trips with our other brother and his wife and daughter and I said no, why? He said he had bad news...I thought first of the tax forms I'd just done for him and asked what the bad news was, still in my sleep fog. His next words shocked me wide awake.

"Uncle Skip killed himself last night."

He went on to tell me that that's all he knows...our cousin called to tell him just now, and he didn't question him on the subject, just called me and was going to call Mom and Dad. We talked just a bit, in the disjointed way of people who are utterly stunned...neither of us had a clue. This is my aunt's ex-husband, or was, I guess I should say. The last time I saw him was early October, and he seemed happy enough with his life, his lady friend, his grandkids. When I was diagnosed with MS, he sent me a thoughtful card, one of the few family members to acknowledge that I have a life-altering disease, and to tell me to keep my chin up.

I'm so sorry I never knew it was so bad for him...I've been whining and moaning about my own depression, about having to take something, and a man who watched me at my first birthday party killed himself, maybe because there wasn't anybody he could moan to, wasn't anybody to talk to about taking an anti-depressant...

No matter how bad it gets, suicide is just too FUCKING FINAL.

Today, I was armed and armored...

with strength on my right ring finger, unconditional love on my left wrist.

When I got dressed for work today, I decided I would wear the turquoise ring my grandfather made for me and my grandmother's charm bracelet. I don't believe that either item has any magical powers, but I do believe that they remind me that my grandfather helped to teach me strength, my grandmother loved me always, and that I am a Mansfield woman, and Mansfield women do not snivel.

And so I not only had the presence to walk into work and go over with MegaBookMan exactly what I did wrong yesterday, but any time anyone asked, I got to tell the story of my loving grandmother and my wonderful mother, and how the latter gave me the former's charm bracelet. I fixed my errors, started a new project, and kicked some XML butt today.

Oh, and after a calm, rational phone call to the neuro's office, I have official approval to increase my Lexapro dosage to 20 mgs/day.

I don't think XML is supposed to make me cry

Saturday night--unhappy restlessness;

Sunday--relentless silliness;

Monday--tears over a failure at work.

Time for an increase in the anti-depressant dosage, but of course the damn dumb doctor's office calls my home when I specifically gave them my cell number.

I don't want to cry again today.