For a friend

The person for whom this is intended will know it, and I want you also to know that while I can't do much from this distance, I am here to support you whatever way I can. Please read the last sentence and let me know how I can help you fight the depression.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Today seemed to be a pretty typical Monday...Mom's out of town for the week, so I had planned to catch up on the filing stack, which was about 2 feet tall, then get some of my other work done, plus get started on all these annual accountings we have due when she comes back. The Monday part came in when of course I didn't get any of that done owing to a client crisis, and having to prep a Motion for a change of custody and get it ready, along with assorted other court paperwork, have Susan sign Mom's name to all 4 forms and the check and give it to the law clerk in less than an hour...I managed to get it done, only to have Brad come back and say it was all held up because we have a visiting judge on this 10 year old case, so it should be ready for pickup and mailing to our client and opposing counsel tomorrow.

Despite phone calls from four clients who had total mini-meltdowns at the thought that their attorney was out of town for a week (how dare she!) and trying to explain to them that not only can I not give legal advice, if I do so, my boss can lose her ability to practice law, hellooooooooo, I managed to get a pretty good jump on the filing this afternoon, so when I came home, I felt like I'd earned a nap. I got out of my work clothes, grabbed something to eat, and had probably been asleep for about half an hour when the phone rang.

"Pam?"

"Dan?"

"No, Mark."

Oops...guessed the wrong little brother...my only excuse is that I was still half asleep. He figured this out and offered to let me go back to sleep, but I never talk enough with my brothers so I said nah, and tried to shake the cobwebs out of my head. I heard him sending his kids into the other room as we chatted, then he asked if Mom and Dad were going to be taking any overnight trips with our other brother and his wife and daughter and I said no, why? He said he had bad news...I thought first of the tax forms I'd just done for him and asked what the bad news was, still in my sleep fog. His next words shocked me wide awake.

"Uncle Skip killed himself last night."

He went on to tell me that that's all he knows...our cousin called to tell him just now, and he didn't question him on the subject, just called me and was going to call Mom and Dad. We talked just a bit, in the disjointed way of people who are utterly stunned...neither of us had a clue. This is my aunt's ex-husband, or was, I guess I should say. The last time I saw him was early October, and he seemed happy enough with his life, his lady friend, his grandkids. When I was diagnosed with MS, he sent me a thoughtful card, one of the few family members to acknowledge that I have a life-altering disease, and to tell me to keep my chin up.

I'm so sorry I never knew it was so bad for him...I've been whining and moaning about my own depression, about having to take something, and a man who watched me at my first birthday party killed himself, maybe because there wasn't anybody he could moan to, wasn't anybody to talk to about taking an anti-depressant...

No matter how bad it gets, suicide is just too FUCKING FINAL.