We interrupt this episode of "Days of Our BPAL" to bring you this special news bulletin.
Today I come on home to find a package waiting for me. ¿Qué? I have nothing from ebay coming, it's too big to be Queenies decants, and it's not from the Lab. What is this curiosity? I do not immediately recognize the name on the return address, although the town is familiar.
Well, I must immediately open this, even if it is a bomb, or a severed head, or some disgusting curse from that crazy woman who thinks she is a Wizard-demon and hates me (I meet such interesting people...)
Well, opened it I did, and I must say that JAMMIES IS THE SHIT!
Yes, it was a lovely and unexpected package from our own RedJammies. And I just remembered that you PM'd me a while back asking about scents and I forgot to respond. Please excuse my rudeness, and anyone else I failed to respond to, I've been sick off-and-on for the past few weeks with a virus with a stupid name I won't even attempt to spell (although there are a lot of x's in it, and possibly a pound sign or ampersand), and even under the best of circumstances I am forgetful and easily distracted.
Jammies was kind enough to send me a little mini-suitcase filled with all sorts of goodies. There were some Julphia scrubs, a wee keychain imp holder, and some chocolatey things I'm just praying are coated with ecstasy. But the pièce de résistance is, naturally, a silver-sparkly phallus-shaped soap, scented with Lurid Library, and filled with...lemons? She said it was supposed to be a clockwork penis, to match my clockwork necklace, and I must believe her. I suppose once I use it, I can discover what those nebulous shapes floating mid-peen really are. Regardless, I love everything you sent me. Konichiwa, Jammies-chan. I just totally inserted four languages into this post, w00t!
RedJammies, thank you. I sincerely mean that from the bottom of my clockwork heart. And thank you, and the United States Postal Service, for the perfect timing as far as delivery goes. For I had a guest at my opening of the Mystery Box Full of Penis.
Helpless Lush wrote:
LOLOLOL!!!! I love it! Jammies is the shit!
What did Mom think?
*scene opens on Miss Owls opening the Jammies care package*
ME: "What is this...it's not anything off of eBay..."
*finds card, reads card*
ME: "OH! It's from a friend of mine."
MA OWLS: "Who do you know in Cuyahoga Falls?"
ME: "Oh, it's someone I know from online."
MA OWLS: "You know them in real life?"
ME: "No, we're on the same forum---er, it's like a place to talk and post messages. It's a, uh *embarrassed cough* soap forum. And, uh, those little perfumes I wear that you always manage to describe in such a way that makes me never want to wear them again."
MA OWLS: "So someone online you don't know, and never met, is sending you packages you didn't expect. Is that chocolate? You shouldn't eat that, they could be poisoned."
ME: "What?! Ma, they're not poisoned, it's fine, I know her."
MA OWLS: "They could be, you don't know. You hear things on the news, on the myspace, it's all full of crazy shut-ins."
ME: "MA! I'm online."
MA OWLS: "My point exactly. What the hell is that!?"
ME: "Er, nothing, it's soap."
MA OWLS: "No it's not, I saw it, it's a dildo!"
MA OWLS: "Oh, stop blushing, I know you know what it is. Why are people you met online sending you dildos?! What the hell are you doing online?"
ME: "IT'S NOT A DILDO! It's soap....in the shape of one."
MA OWLS: "Well that's stupid. Won't your body heat just melt it?"
ME: "Wha-MA! That's-tha' *sputter*"
MA OWLS: "You know you're not supposed to use soap down there. You'll get the yeasts."
ME: "Ma, please, for my sanity, just stop talking about it. It's not for...that. It's just amusingly shaped soap."
MA OWLS: "And why do you need strangers sending you perishable dildos anyway? There's that shop down by the U-Haul where you can just buy one."
ME: "MA! Please, for the love of God, don't give me sex-toy shopping advice!"
MA OWLS: "Well, I mean, c'mon, when was the last time you went on a date? Things must be getting dusty downstairs."
ME: "Excuse me, Ma, I have to go...wash my brain off with bleach."
MA OWLS: "Oh, the scrubby-thing smells nice."
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Very very funny stuff
I sent a box to a friend from the Lush message board this week, and this was what she posted in the BPAL thread after she got the package: