Friday, September 19, 2008

Vehicular Snobservations

To the idiot in the grey car with the Starfleet Academy bumper sticker: Yes, when you drive a grey car in the morning rain and fog with no lights on, it's like your own personal cloaking device. I-77 is a lot smaller than space, however, and on this planet, the Klingons drive great big semi-trucks which will squish you if you invisibly enter their space. Turn your lights on, numbnuts.

To the guy in the Outback wagon: It's just precious that your car is the same color as your little waiter's polo shirt. You're so cute we can't stand you. It was bad enough when you slowed down traffic onto the interstate because you were looking in the rearview mirror and patting your cute little hair. It's inexcusable when you did that in the left lane. Get a damn alarm clock, set it, and get up five minutes earlier so you can groom before you get in the car.

To the elderly couple in the white land yacht with Florida plates: I don't know if you were visiting or moving back to Ohio or what, but if you can afford that car, there are a few other things you should think about buying or renting. First, a U-Haul or your own trailer so you don't overstuff said land yacht with your personal possessions to the point where the rear window is completely blocked. Second, a GPS. It's more than a bit irritating to be stuck behind you as you creep along at 10 MPH, constantly changing your mind about which side street you need to turn left on. Finally, buy a clue. You're too damn old to be trucking a carfull of crap around. Give it all to Starfleet geek or waiter dude, go back to Florida, and stay there!

Finally, to the guy riding shotgun in the pickup truck. This is Akron, not New Orleans or Indianapolis, so there's really no situation where yelling "Show us your tits!" is appropriate. If you were serious, you're a little scary, and if that was meant as humor, you're lame. Oh, and btw--yes, I was wearing a camisole under a half-buttoned shirt, but that one inch of cleavage you could see was really all the good bits. Trust me, if I take off the clothes and the architecturally-structured undergarments, you wouldn't like the result. Go browse the interwebbinetz for boobs to look at, mmkay?


Sherri said...

Florida doesn't want the land yacht, thank ye :) Plenty already, roaming east on the westbound side of the highway, ratty bucket hat or puff of blue and/or peach colored hair hovering above the steering wheel, little entourage of no siren, light flashing cop cars trailing behind (don't want to scare the bucket hat into ramming over a road site vegie market).

Jay said...

Okay, you cracked me up with this one!

Hope your weekend is better than your Friday on the road!

Romantic Heretic said...

Don't hold back, Jammies. Tell us how you really feel. ;)

Anonymous said...

Damn your sexy when your irritated!

Now show me your tits!


Anonymous said...

Hey, no Indianapolis bashing please.

It may have drive-bys and daily murders but the tit thing is not an issue.


Jammies said...

Sherri, you're not in Floridoom anymore, so I can wish all the land yachts on them I want.

Jay, always happy to make you laugh.

Rob, I'll try to overcome this shy and delicate thing. ;)

Otter, I'm sure an IT guy can find plenty of tits on his own. If not, go play Tomb Raider.

Z, darlin', the tit thing happens at the Indy 500, which is probably why you didn't know about it.

Melinda said...

I need to get out more. Nobody here on the street in Indy has ever asked me to show them my tits... *lol*