Christmas, Act II

Since approximately two-thirds of the family was in Texas on Christmas Day, today was Christmas, Act II. Mom and Dad left Dallas on Thursday and arrived in Columbus around sixish last night. This morning, I locked up the dog and the house and drove down for breakfast and presents.

Anabel made a simple but awesome breakfast of eggs, potatoes, bacon, quiche, muffins and corned beef hash. After demolishing the food, we talked for a bit and then got on with the giving.

I was so excited about the gifts I'd brought that I was practically bouncing, and I made sure that at least two of my gifts were in the first round handed out. I got my nephews those reindeer that poop jelly beans, and that's what they opened first from me. Super Doughnut got two Nintendo DS Club Penguin games, and I got The Awesome Nacho a Halo MegaBloks kit and remote control vehicle. I got Anabel scrubs from Lilypad and Skindecent, and a pretty dark brown cardigan. Mom and Dad got their gifts from me in Texas, but I always give Mom a Santa for Christmas, and I found these earrings from Hummingbird Hill and couldn't resist them. I got Jeeves a book he asked for and a DVD of Hogfather.

I got a pair of purple suede gloves from The Awesome Nacho; a pair of navy velvet and satin slippers from Super Doughnut; a purple plaid shirt, purple vest, purple ruffled scarf, blue and white picture frame, black chenille gloves, green and black chenille Christmas socks and a hand-knitted black and white scarf and hand-knitted boiled wool brown and copper hat from my mom (technically both parents, but yeah, from Mom) and some of my favorite Lush products from Anabel. Mom, Anabel and I all got hand-painted ornaments from Jeeves, a tradition he created years ago and has stuck with ever since.

Of the three of us, Jeeves is the most observant of traditions and the most affected by them. This summer, Mom brought over a bag of stuffed animals she'd found in the attic and assumed were mine. They were actually Jeeves's stuffed animals, including his teddy bear. Then when Captain Crossword was here in October, we were talking about how Dad's mother always had her white and gold candy dish filled with pink wintergreen lozenges, and Jeeves mentioned that he really liked them.

So I decided that my unofficial Christmas gift to my beloved brother was going to be his teddy bear, Gramma H's candy dish, and a bag of pink wintergreen lozenges. Of all the gifts I gave and got, I think that was my favorite, just for the expression on my brother's face when he saw Teddy.

When your day starts with a live slug on your foot...

don't give up, it might actually get better.

This morning when I let Littlefoot in and Little Miss out, I felt kind of a tickly sensation on one of my feet after I closed the door. I looked down and saw a slug on my foot.

A. SLUG.

ON.

MY.

FOOT!

I proceeded to have what Patrick McManus describe as a Modified Stationary Panic, which involves jumping up and down and screaming, in this case, screaming "GETITOFFME!"

That's an exceptionally silly thing to scream when you live alone except for two dogs, one of which is outside and neither of which have opposable thumbs. Eventually, I did what any sensible person would do--I scraped the slug into the wastebasket, immediately removed and triple-knotted the bag, and then threw it out into the driveway. After that, I rinsed my foot with hydrogen peroxide and vomited.

Hell of a start to my week, and it got even worse at work. Saturday's mail was waiting for me, and it included a letter from the VA regarding one of our guardianships, telling us about the new procedures the VA has decided to start. It's not enough that all accounts going forward must have every single bank statement stamped or sealed by the bank each month, it must be done retroactively for accounts turned in as of 01/01/10. Bastards. Couldn't they go find some actual veterans to, I don't know, help? Instead, they mess around nit-picking the people who are actually helping.

Fortunately, things improved. I worked half a day for Mom, then headed north to have lunch and network a bit with my former co-workers. I got hugs from everyone, reference letters from two of the attorneys, and a compliment from another one. When she hugged me, she said, "Ooooh, you smell good, like flowers and stuff." I was wearing BPAL Swank on top of Skindecent's Sultana dupe, so lots of fruit and not many flowers, but it was still a nice compliment. We had a lovely long lunch at Zoup, then I stopped at the Lush store on my way to Maresche's house. Even though she'd left lunch before me and I'd spent about 30 minutes at Lush, I beat her to the house, so I dragged the Annabelle hydrangea she and her husband had dug up to my car and stuffed it in the trunk. I also got the trunk closed! Yay me! When Maresche got home, I had just enough time to point out her birthday present (a birdbath) and hit the road before rush hour peaked.

I came home, unloaded the hydrangea, which I will plant tomorrow after work, and let the dogs out and in with no slug-related ickiness.

So even Mondays can be newts and get better.

Something new

I finally decided to get off my butt and start a second blog for all of my "girly" stuff. I'm calling it Bubbles and Baubles, and I will be using it for all the things that make me squee in an embarrassing fashion.

Newsflash: Skindecent saves woman's sanity

Today sucked. I'm out of my antidepressant and for some reason, my Hyphenated Corp. health insurance is suddenly invalid, today was my first day back at Mom's office and I had to do payroll taxes, and the icing on the cake is when I got home and discovered that one of the dogs chewed up at least one of my rubber duckies.

If it hadn't been for my pre-layoff Skindecent order on my front porch, I probably would have totally lost it. As it is, I'm opening it as I listen to the stupid hold music for A(ssholes)E(at your)T(ime and give you)N(othing in return but want)A(ll your money) insurance's so-called "Customer Care" line.

I'm on the verge of tears, as I have been since I left the pharmacy without my Lexapro, but right now, they are more tears of gratitude for the kindness of Marliss, the genius behind Skindecent. Not only did she send samples of the Lush dupes for Sultana and The Olive Branch, she sent me an entire Girlfriend's Stress Relief Kit. Marliss has always provided amazing products and customer service, but this kind of thoughtful detail is truly amazing.

And now, since the insurance person wants the pharmacist to call and the pharmacist is being snarky about not wanting to call, I'm going to go huff bath products and hope that tomorrow is a VAST improvement over today.

Beware teh Jammies, Enabler of DOOOOOM

Yes, in addition to luring Otterboyy up the Lush garden path, I've already gotten Mallie hooked on Skindecent, and the holiday season was my excuse for hooking her husband on both Lush and BPAL. If you want to know why I call him the Scarecrow, click the label for "Cast of Characters" and read the first entry. If you'd like to know why I call myself a troll, the short version is that I'm not all that fond of humanity, I like shiny things, and I'd rather live happily here under my bridge than just about anywhere else.

So the package of junk from under the bridge arrived at Casa Clemson on Tuesday, and I got a happy phone call from Mallie and Jay. The kitties would have said thank you if they weren't all nipped out, but the hoomans were still verbal. In addition to assorted Lush goodies (really, what better way to hook a masseur than with not one but two Lush massage bars?), I got Jay a bottle of Troll, which is a gorgeous clove-and-swamp BPAL. Sherri said she can't wait to smell it on him, which is the sentence every enabler wants to hear. ;)

In all fairness, I should warn my victims that it starts off simple, with a Lush product or two. Then, when I've got you hooked on smelling good, I'll lure you in to smooth, soft skin-land with sugar scrubs and it will always end in delicious niche perfumes.

Beware!

Enabling we will go, enabling we will go,

Hi-ho the derry-o, enabling we will go!

This morning, I got an e-mail from a friend, asking for help finding good quality bath products. Said friend, who shall remain nameless, has been using drugstore bubble bath (oh, teh howwow!) and wants something better. I had a very fun hour looking up scent notes and compiling an e-mail full of Lush, Skindecent and Fantasy Bath suggestions.

LOL! Guess who just called from the Lush store in Anaheim? My crazy friend, who has picked out some bubble bars and promised me a report.

Last week I also got to enable a friend to the Morganville vampire series by Rachel Caine. She was my giftee in a BPAL swap, and since she loves to laugh at Twihlight, I got her a necklace from Stardust on Etsy, a Jinx t-shirt, and a vampire book I hope won't make her fall over laughing. I loved reading about her reactions to all of her gifts.

Ahhh, enabling. It's evil, but I love it so...

A few good things

can make a huge difference.

Yesterday was the most Mondayish Monday I'd had in months. Littlefoot woke me up several times overnight because he had diarrhea, we had computer problems at work, I have an ear or sinus infection that is giving me severe ear, jaw and head pain on the right side, Little Miss did something so gross I can't reconcile it with my cute babygirlpuppy who sits on her haunches and pulls up her paws like a little bunny, I realized I forgot to tell Imp I am not able to get to WV for Turkey Day, I missed water-walking, and it just sucked.

Today, while I was a little hurt that three co-workers I thought were friends deliberately excluded me from lunch, the servers are back up and I was able to burn through all the work I couldn't finish yesterday and still bring some OT stuff home with me. Then, on the drive home, the radio station played three of my favorites in a row--Jesse Cook's "Havana," Keiko Matsui's "Black River" and "A Song for You" by Christina Aguilera and Herbie Hancock, plus I got to hear the traffic report after I was safely out of it. I am going to spoil myself tonight, and re-paint my fingernails, then use an entire Lush French Kiss bubble bar instead of only half, and finally I am going to go to bed early.

Six books, eight volumes, ten days...

How to have incredibly smooth yet furry legs

In a warm shower, scrub legs with a clean-rinsing sugar scrub, such as Julphia's Whipped Sugar Scrub or Skindecent's Body Buffer. Rinse well.

Cover legs with shaving cream or bath butter. Shave with a good razor (even if it's not the one you loved for so many years). Rinse again.

Scrub a second time with an oilier scrub, making sure to scrub your heels and toes. Rinse very well.

Finish your shower, and before drying legs completely, smooth on a body glaze, massage bar, dry oil spray or body butter.

Wrap a towel around yourself and run to answer the phone. Tell the siding salesman he's an asshole. Hang up phone, turn around and trip over needy dog in the middle of blowing coat. Ta-da! You now have the smoothest, furriest legs around.

Thanks, Lush

My tax refund order arrived last night, and I unpacked and put away most of my things and set aside Maresche's items to take to work today. Somehow, I missed a little sample of Herbalism, which I noticed this morning when I was folding up all the packing paper. I set it on the shelf unit which runs the length of the back wall of the breezeway, intending to try it tomorrow morning.

As much as I love Lush's bubble bars and ballistics, I've been resistant to getting into their face care because it's so very expensive and I have very odd skin, oily yet flaky, with overlarge pores. Still, I was going to try the Herbalism.

Tonight, when I got home from work, I let Bigfoot out and fed Littlefoot, then let Littlefoot out and fed Bigfoot. When they were both fed and I had changed out of my work clothes, I ran out to the curb to get the mail and bring in the trash can and recycling bin. In the two minutes that took, Bigfoot found my sample and decided Herbalism was a nice dessert. Since the sample was about two ounces, I'm not too worried about the nettle irritating his innards. However, the kaolin may prove to be a bit of a constipator for the old man.

So thanks, Lush, but I won't be trying your skin care this time around.

Wishlist

I could use some retail therapy, but since I'm broke, I'm internet window-shopping.

I want this shirt; these socks in Geranium, Peacock, Purple Haze and Space Ocean; these socks in Nightshade and Waterfall; a sock zombie cat; a Konad Build Your Own Kit and a ton of Lush, Skindecent and BPAL.

And as long as I'm dreaming, I'd like a pony, too. ;)

Thanks, I needed that.

Work was just peachy until about 2 p.m. when Manufacturing exploded at me and got my boss involved. When everything was fixed up and done, I was just thrilled to get the heck outta Dodge and go walk with my mom and my dogs.

We went to the same park, but tried some different routes on the trail and got in a good forty or forty-five minutes of walking and climbing. I fell once, but thankfully I landed on my fat ass, so no damage was done. Bigfoot lost his footing once and sat down hard, but after Tuesday evening's walk, he was the only one not limping, so I think he's in better shape than I am.

Now that I'm home, I'm debating whether or not tonight calls for one of my hoarded Lush Marathon bubble bars. They're a little stinky, but a lot effective for sore muscles, and stupid Lush is discontinuing them. I have six left, which is twelve baths, and I'm campaigning like mad to get Lush to put them on the Retro menu. That's where they offer small amounts of discontinued items and I definitely will always need my Marathon!

Brrrrrr!

And hooray for that. It's 63° F right now, and I am happy to have a leetle cold front visiting. Plus, it's raining, so I don't have to go water my plants. The less I have to do at home, the better, because I am swamped at work.

My very first looseleaf publication builds on Friday, and of course, the idiot lawyers who are authoring it didn't get their final pages to me until mid-day today. It's four volumes with a CD, and I have to get it all done tomorrow so I can put it together on Friday. I'm seriously tempted to go smack these guys!

*deep breath*

Instead of thinking about work, I'm going to think about fall, which has always been my favorite season. I've always loved the look of the Harvest Moon, so I ordered the 2008 version of that scent from BPAL. As my darling Kogi always says, "It could smell like accord of ass and I'd still buy it" just for the associations with autumn. I want to smell like a fat round gold thing on a cold night!

Speaking of BPAL and associations, I keep running into phoenixes. I love BPAL (Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab) perfumes, my current favorite bath & body product scent is Phoenix from Julphia, our proprietary software at work is called Phoenix, I pass an office or something for the University of Phoenix every day on my way to work, and a new second-hand car dealership just opened up down the street from me called Phoenix Auto Sales. I can hear my little brother saying it's just coincidence (Hi, Captain Crossword!), but I can't shake the feeling that maybe it's more than that...

Skindecent saved my life last night

Reallytruly.

I'll tell the story in a moment, but I have to preface it by telling Scott that if he makes one freaking comment about inside dogs, I will burst into tears and kick him sharply on the ankles. Stuff happens, I need to vent about it, and I don't want any extra grief. So there!

This has been a difficult and draining week at work. I've got one book that is the first revised edition in seven years, and another where the authors wanted an extra month to get us really lame content revisions and the head office wants us to still have it out by August 30th. Add to that my night-of-not-sleeping thanks to Ophelia's canine soulmate, and it's been hard.

Last night, I came home, had coffee, let the dogs in & out and fed them, ate dinner myself and went to water the plants. To do that, I have to bypass my fancypants new water softener, which involves a trip to the basement.

Down in the front half of the basement, aka the dogs' half, there are two room-sized pieces of carpet from when Mom & I re-did the bedrooms. They are down there because I felt guilty locking my dogs up on concrete floors all day. In the last 3 or so years, there have been some accidents, but I've cleaned up right away and it hasn't been too awful.

That is, until yesterday. When I went downstairs, I could both smell and see that someone had been very sick on both pieces of carpet. I switched the water over, zipped out and watered the tomatoes, then went back downstairs to deal with the mess.

On closer examination, it was very clear that the carpet was unsalvageable this time. Back upstairs I went, and then I returned to the basement with my good snips. I grabbed a couple of rags, cleaned up what I could, and then cut both pieces of carpet in half. Then came the bad part.

I had to get the carpet upstairs and out last night, because my trash pickup was early this morning, my city will only take one room's worth of carpet per pickup, and I didn't want all of it sitting around until next week. Not only was the carpet disgusting, it hadn't aged well--years in the basement had cause the backing to dry up into thoroughly rough and scratchy burlap.

By the time I had wrestled three of the four pieces upstairs, I was filthy, sodden with sweat, itching from head to toes and still had to get the blue pieces out to the curb. After I'd done so, all I wanted to do was remove all of my skin and hair from my body and grow in new stuff.

There was no way I was taking a bath in that condition, so I rummaged around in my bathroom cupboard, found a sugar scrub and bath cream in Pillow Fight scent from Skindecent, used it in a cool shower, and finally felt clean and human.

Then my dad called. When I told him what I'd been up to, he said in a very sweet and slightly chiding voice that he would have come over to help. I told him I knew that, but it needed to be done right away, and I wasn't going to haul him out of the house just to help me deal with something that was the fault of my dogs. He said he'd try to recover from the hurt feelings. ;)

We had a lot of thunder, lightning and wind last night, plus a teensy amount of rain. My plants didn't get any extra water, but my trash can got knocked over, the cardboard I had out for the recycling truck got wet, and the carpet got unrolled and wet. Bless them, the trash guys picked everything up anyway, and next week I will be securing the carpet with duct tape.

I'll get the last piece out of the basement after I duct tape it first so it doesn't unroll on the stairs, and then all I have to worry about is Kentucky tort law!

Sweat equity

Mom & I worked for four hours at the law office today, then had breakfast for lunch at a neat little local cafe, then worked three more hours on a house she's cleaning out for a guardianship. For those three hours of working in yucky heat & humidity dragging things down the stairs or up the stairs and out of the house, I earned four plastic outdoor chairs, an aluminum outdoor lounge, a recliner in decent condition, four or five books on gardening and a beautiful old steamer trunk with a domed lid.

I ache in every muscle and while I am clean and no longer sweaty, I miss being able to soak muscle aches out in the tub. I have my bath for Monday night all planned out--Aura Suavis bubble bar & shower gel, plus the spearmint/geranium Winter Stress Relief OOAK perfume from BPAL. Maybe I should have a ticker for hours left until bathtime. ;)

Let there be (drinkable) water

Yes, there will be water in time for JammiesFest '08. Rob will not have to worry about remembering which is the potable water if he wakes up in the middle of the night, and I will be a relaxed and happy Jammies owing to my renewed ability to bathe.

On either June 30th (hopefully) or July 7th (more likely), Clearwater Systems will be installing a new AquaSystems Smart Choice 200 model water softener.

I'm so excited I may go organize my bath products, and I am already debating what scent my celebratory bath should be.

Buggre All This Everything

The following is from Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett.

The book was commonly known as the Buggre Alle This Bible.* The lengthy compositor's error, if such it may be called, occurs in the book of Ezekiel, chapter 48, verse five:

2. And bye the border of Dan, fromme the east side to the west side, a portion for Afher.
3. And bye the border of Afhter, fromme the east side even untoe the west side, a portion for Naphtali.
4. And bye the border of Naphtali, from the east side untoe the west side, a portion for Manaffeh.
5. Buggre all this for a Larke. I amme sick to mye Hart of typeƒettinge. Master Biltonn if no Gentelmann, and Master Scagges noe more than a tighte fisted Southwarke Knobbeƒticke. I telle you, onne a daye laike thif Ennywone half an oz. of Sense should bee oute in the Sunneshain, ane nott Stucke here alle the liuelong daie inn thiƒ mowldey olde By-Our-Lady Workeƒhoppe. @*"Æ@;!*
6 And bye the border of Ephraim, from the east fide even untoe the west fide, a portion for Reuben.

*[The Buggre Alle This Bible was also noteworthy for having twenty seven verses in the third chapter of Genesis, instead of the more usual twenty four.

They followed verse 24, which in the King James version reads:

"So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life," and read:

25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying Where is the flaming sword which was given unto thee?
26 And the Angel said, I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.
27 And the Lord did not ask him again.

It appears that these verses were inserted during the proof stage. In those days it was common practice for printers to hang proof sheets to the wooden beams outside their shops, for the edification of the populace and some free proofreading, and since the whole print run was subsequently burned anyway, no one bothered to take up this matter with the nice Mr. A. Ziraphale, who ran the bookshop two doors along and was always so helpful with the translations, and whose handwriting was instantly recognizable.]

It was this passage (or paƒƒage) which made me realize that I am essentially a high-tech typesetter (not that I mind, it's actually good to have a label to use when I need to answer the "What do you do" question). After last week, I'd replace "Master Scraggs" with "Miƒtreƒƒ Patricia," but other than that, I'm familiar with the temptation.

Got my water softener estimates today. The good news is that it's not $3,500 or even $3,000 but probably more like $1,800-$1,900. The bad news is that is 95 Ladies of the Grindhouse, 158 Body Glaze Samplers or just under 30 dog baths!

Dad was a big help this afternoon, asking questions and letting me think out loud after all the salesmen had left. He also took a look at my bathroom fan, couldn't fix it, and took the carcass away to get a new one (which I hope will be installed before JammiesFest). He also did all my Windows updates and admired my Kogimugs (but refused to use one on the grounds that he would feel awful if he broke it). It was a productive afternoon if not an exciting one.

It looks as if JammiesFest will have usable water but possibly a lot of ramen on the menu. Ahh well, the most important thing is the time with the friends willing to drive all this way to be here. :)

Even more progress

Despite an ugly bout of powerbarfing first thing this morning, I managed to get myself together and get some things done. There are only four bags of mulch left in the garage, and I can get my car in again. Those last four bags are earmarked for the spot in the back flower bed which needs a layer of limestone gravel laid down to absorb the water before I can mulch.

The laundry is almost done, the bathroom has been scoured, and all but eight of the houseplants are now outside where they can revel in sunshine and fresh air. My sheets are changed and I've done a quick inventory of the linen closet. I need another set of nice twin sheets, and I'm down to only fifteen Ice Hotels. If Lush NA ever gets their act together on offering Retro products, I foresee a great poorness in my future, especially with new scents from Skindecent and BPAL. Oh, and my second invention has made the Skindecent scent list. The first, as my few loyal readers will remember, was Treefrog Jammies, a blend of green scents & lavender. The new one is a combo of key lime, maraschino cherries & ginger ale, named Ultrasonic by a fellow Lushie named Andromedi.

Thanks to my assorted addictions, I'm rather spoiled for choice. Right now, for example, I am trying to decide what scent to use for my bath tonight. Whatever I decide on, the bathtub is one of my most important refuges. The other is my garden, especially when I am out there watering.

I was trying to describe to a friend what I love about watering plants. It's hard to verbalize because I am not a particularly philosophical person, but there's a ritual aspect to it, a definite sense of being connected to the earth, the plants, the water and a sort of calm chance to contemplate whatever my little butterfly brain feels like thinking about. I guess articulating the process doesn't really make much difference--it still feels good.

And now I have to go retrieve Bigfoot, who is outside barking hysterically at poor Rooter. *eye roll*

A true friend will tell you when you stink! :-)

Granted, Maresche wasn't that blunt today at work, but she did make me aware that I cannot use tea tree oil-based products if I am going to be around other people. I have been using a Lush shower gel to try to tame some severe skin irritation, and while I thought the smell was fading, it turns out I'd just gotten used to it. Thankfully, I'm now aware that I smell like an ancient medicine cabinet when I use it, and will confine my self-treatments to weekends.

Very very funny stuff

I sent a box to a friend from the Lush message board this week, and this was what she posted in the BPAL thread after she got the package:

We interrupt this episode of "Days of Our BPAL" to bring you this special news bulletin.

Today I come on home to find a package waiting for me. ¿Qué? I have nothing from ebay coming, it's too big to be Queenies decants, and it's not from the Lab. What is this curiosity? I do not immediately recognize the name on the return address, although the town is familiar.

Well, I must immediately open this, even if it is a bomb, or a severed head, or some disgusting curse from that crazy woman who thinks she is a Wizard-demon and hates me (I meet such interesting people...)

Well, opened it I did, and I must say that JAMMIES IS THE SHIT!

Yes, it was a lovely and unexpected package from our own RedJammies. And I just remembered that you PM'd me a while back asking about scents and I forgot to respond. Please excuse my rudeness, and anyone else I failed to respond to, I've been sick off-and-on for the past few weeks with a virus with a stupid name I won't even attempt to spell (although there are a lot of x's in it, and possibly a pound sign or ampersand), and even under the best of circumstances I am forgetful and easily distracted.

Jammies was kind enough to send me a little mini-suitcase filled with all sorts of goodies. There were some Julphia scrubs, a wee keychain imp holder, and some chocolatey things I'm just praying are coated with ecstasy. But the pièce de résistance is, naturally, a silver-sparkly phallus-shaped soap, scented with Lurid Library, and filled with...lemons? She said it was supposed to be a clockwork penis, to match my clockwork necklace, and I must believe her. I suppose once I use it, I can discover what those nebulous shapes floating mid-peen really are. Regardless, I love everything you sent me. Konichiwa, Jammies-chan. I just totally inserted four languages into this post, w00t!

RedJammies, thank you. I sincerely mean that from the bottom of my clockwork heart. And thank you, and the United States Postal Service, for the perfect timing as far as delivery goes. For I had a guest at my opening of the Mystery Box Full of Penis.

My mom.

Helpless Lush wrote:
LOLOLOL!!!! I love it! Jammies is the shit!

What did Mom think?


*scene opens on Miss Owls opening the Jammies care package*

ME: "What is this...it's not anything off of eBay..."

*finds card, reads card*

ME: "OH! It's from a friend of mine."

MA OWLS: "Who do you know in Cuyahoga Falls?"

ME: "Oh, it's someone I know from online."

MA OWLS: "You know them in real life?"

ME: "No, we're on the same forum---er, it's like a place to talk and post messages. It's a, uh *embarrassed cough* soap forum. And, uh, those little perfumes I wear that you always manage to describe in such a way that makes me never want to wear them again."

MA OWLS: "So someone online you don't know, and never met, is sending you packages you didn't expect. Is that chocolate? You shouldn't eat that, they could be poisoned."

ME: "What?! Ma, they're not poisoned, it's fine, I know her."

MA OWLS: "They could be, you don't know. You hear things on the news, on the myspace, it's all full of crazy shut-ins."

ME: "MA! I'm online."

MA OWLS: "My point exactly. What the hell is that!?"

ME: "Er, nothing, it's soap."

MA OWLS: "No it's not, I saw it, it's a dildo!"

ME: "MA!"

MA OWLS: "Oh, stop blushing, I know you know what it is. Why are people you met online sending you dildos?! What the hell are you doing online?"

ME: "IT'S NOT A DILDO! It's soap....in the shape of one."

MA OWLS: "Well that's stupid. Won't your body heat just melt it?"

ME: "Wha-MA! That's-tha' *sputter*"

MA OWLS: "You know you're not supposed to use soap down there. You'll get the yeasts."

ME: "Ma, please, for my sanity, just stop talking about it. It's not for...that. It's just amusingly shaped soap."

MA OWLS: "And why do you need strangers sending you perishable dildos anyway? There's that shop down by the U-Haul where you can just buy one."

ME: "MA! Please, for the love of God, don't give me sex-toy shopping advice!"

MA OWLS: "Well, I mean, c'mon, when was the last time you went on a date? Things must be getting dusty downstairs."

ME: "Excuse me, Ma, I have to go...wash my brain off with bleach."

MA OWLS: "Oh, the scrubby-thing smells nice."

*end scene*

CRS Syndrome

I was yakking with Mallie, looking at macros on I Has a Hotdog and playing "Duelling Banjos" on Bigfoot's side, which I do whenever he comes and leans on me. I thought of something I should write about here, opened up the "Create New Post" window, and promptly forgot whatever it was. Yup, I'm getting old.

So instead of whatever it was I was going to write about, I'm reduced to sharing snippets.

I thought of Scott when I got a Spam e-mail titled "The quicker pecker-upper" (a play on a paper towel tagline).

I'm currently reading "The Perfect Scent" by Chandler Burr and enjoying the heck out of it. I just finished "21 Dog Years", and I'm wondering when the subtitle changed from "Doing Time @ Amazon.com" to "A Cube-Dweller's Tale."

Lush's Olive Branch is the perfect smoky orange scent and I wish they made everything in this--I would buy it and walk around smelling like this all day.

Today I had my annual OB/Gyn checkup, and Hot Doctor was cute and funny and charming as always. One funny moment--as I was checking in and going over insurance stuff, the UPS guy arrived, and when asked for the name on the package, looked at it very quickly and said "Dr. Bits." *snerk*

My MS Walk sponsorships are up to six, even if none of you blog readers has offered. :P

Oh, and I am loving the new Lowe's commercial with the bear.

And I still can't remember what I was going to post when I opened up the window.